


Just a Moment of Change

by DarkPilot



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Angst and Feels, BB-8 Saves The Day, Gen, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, M/M, PROTECTIVE SQUAD, Past Poe Dameron/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren, Past Relationship(s), Poe Dameron Needs A Hug, Sadness, Sort Of, almost married - Freeform
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-05-18
Updated: 2018-05-18
Packaged: 2019-05-08 15:15:09
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,917
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14696814
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/DarkPilot/pseuds/DarkPilot
Summary: "We won't say our goodbyesYou know it's better that wayWe won't break, we won't dieIt's just a moment of change"The Resistance couldn't stay on Crait, but Poe couldn't stay with the Resistance. Not when Ben was still so close.





	Just a Moment of Change

**Author's Note:**

> Title taken from OneRepublic's amazing and beautiful song, "All We Are".
> 
> Link here: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YpkDaKOUXF8

When Poe first stepped onto the  _ Millennium Falcon  _ again, the chain around his neck instantly grew colder. He involuntarily gasped and blinked hard a few times. C'ai Threnalli, a fellow Abednedo pilot, warbled his concern in his native language.

"No, it's fine." Poe waved the comment aside and gestured to those behind him. "We've all had a long day."

C'ai agreed and shuffled inside, avoiding a little group of avian creatures that squawked at their new visitors. 

"Hey there, come on up, let's get going." Poe greeted each Resistance member, silently logging their numbers. There were about twenty of them total, two mechanics including an unconscious Rose, six pilots, Commander D'Acy, Major Ematt, Leia, himself, seven other technicians, Finn, and that Force-sensitive girl Poe could only deduce was the Rey he'd heard so much about. Poe made a few rounds, getting his people settled in the best they could with the infestation of the avian creatures ("Porgs," C-3PO corrected him.)

He glanced in the direction of the cockpit, the weight around his neck growing with each second. Poe couldn't stand the familiarity of the old ship, in its worn and metallic scent, the feel of the walls, remembering how they had felt against his back, where the secret docks and cargo holds large enough to fit two people were, how the ancient tubes and compressors protested against human weight - no, it was too much. Poe pushed past the others, including a rather confused Finn, and nearly sprinted for the exit ramp.

It was no surprise that Leia was the last to board. She was giving the Craitian landscape one last long look when Poe found her at the base of the ramp. She turned and gave a little jump. "Poe, you startled me." She quickly noticed the look in his eyes. "Whatever you're thinking, don't act on it."

"Leia." Poe took the general's hands. "I can't go."

Leia put a tender hand on Poe's cheek, and he allowed himself a single tear. "We can't stay here, either."

"Leia, please, let me have another chance," Poe pleaded. "He was there. He was  _ right _ there. If I go back, we might be able to bring him home."

"Poe, don't fool yourself," Leia said, gently but sternly. "He almost killed you once. He killed his father, and he slaughtered so many of our forces. And Luke . . ." Leia sighed heavily. "Luke's gone now. Poe, I want him back as much as you do, but there's nothing anyone else can do."

"He left me alive," Poe protested. "He might have tortured me, but he left me alive. That has to count for something, right?"

Leia gave him a look. "Poe, you're reckless, but you're not suicidal."

"I just - I can't - I - " Poe swallowed, knowing there wasn't much time. "I can't be on that ship without thinking of him. He meant so much to all of us, and then he just left without saying why, and that has been with me ever since. I couldn't do anything the first time, but maybe, just maybe - "

"Is that what was going through your head when you lead that Dreadnought bombing run?" Leia's voice was quiet. "Maybe? Just maybe, you could change something? Poe, look at what we have left. We can't afford to lose you."

"I'm not you, Leia," Poe said, squeezing Leia's hand. "I'll never be some great leader like you. I'm just some pilot who likes blowing things up."

"Poe, everyone has tried," Leia repeated. "You won't be able to fix anything - "

"He left me alive for a reason," Poe insisted. "And I made a promise to him."

"What's going on?" Finn and Rey had come to the back of the ship. Rey was holding a porg.

"Yeah, why aren't we getting out of here?" Finn asked. "The First Order's gonna show up any minute now."

Poe and Leia exchanged a quick, knowing look, Leia's eyes stern, Poe's eyes pleading. His left-hand thumb involuntarily went to the vacant space on his fourth finger. Leia caught the motion and bowed her head.

Poe tried one last time. "Please, Leia."

"Poe?" Finn's brow creased. "Poe, what are you thinking? Actually, no, don't tell me - "

"You loved him, too," Rey said softly. "Poe, I'm sorry, but he's gone."

Poe stared at the white salt-capped mountains, at the boulder-filled opening that Rey had re-sealed. The wind softly shook his hair. "He can't be."

"Poe, don't tell me you're thinking about going back," Finn said. "You said it yourself, Skywalker put himself out there so we could have a chance to leave."

"I can't leave him, Finn," Poe said despondently. "Not when he's this close."

"Kylo Ren?"

"Ben Solo." The name hung heavily in the air. Leia turned away, and Rey closed her eyes. Finn's expression softened, and Poe's hand went to the thin silver chain around his neck. He pulled his mother's ring out from under his shirt. "I was going to give this to him once. But then one day he left and never came back."

"Poe, I'm really sorry, but he's gone," Rey said gently. "Leia and I know that better than anyone. I saw him in the Force. He won't change. He doesn't want to."

"He let me live," Poe repeated.

"That wasn't him, dummy," said Finn, gesturing to the flight jacket that Poe had given him. "That was me. If I hadn't broken you out, he would have killed you."

Poe cracked a humorless smile. "Last I remember, you were the one who needed a pilot."

"Well - "

"Besides, when the hangar blew?" Poe pointed in the direction of the abandoned base. "I was  _ this close _ to being blown up with my ship, but he hit right before I got there."

"Poe, you're not serious, are you?" Finn grabbed his shoulders. 

"I used to fly with him growing up, and he's not a careless pilot," Poe snapped. "That Silencer of his is a damn good ship, a hell of a lot smoother fighter than my X-Wing. If he had wanted me killed, he would have done it already. He hasn't pulled the trigger since the start of the war, and he didn't finish me on the Star Destroyer, and he blew up my ship instead of me. He has had so many opportunities to kill me, but he hasn't."

"Poe, listen to yourself, will you?" Finn shook Poe's shoulders. "You're one hell of a pilot, but you're also really lucky. One of these days, that luck is going to run out, and then what? The Resistance needs you." He looked at Leia and Rey. "We need you."

Poe's breath caught in his throat. He glanced at the boulders. How much time before a squadron of stormtroopers burst through, led by the hideous monster that had once been the man closest to his heart? He looked at the ring in his fingers, turning it over, remembering getting it resized just in time for Ben to leave. He knew Finn was right, but he heard himself say anyway, "No you don't. I'm reckless, impulsive . . . the last thing you need right now."

Leia raised an eyebrow. "Is that Amilyn Holdo or Poe Dameron talking?"

"Does it matter?" The question came out much weaker than Poe had intended. "Leia, we don't have time."

"If you really believed that, you wouldn't still be talking to me," Leia said, folding her hands. "You would have run out the door with a blaster in your hand after stunning everyone that tried to stop you." Her tone softened. "Search your feelings, Poe. You know Ben's gone."

Poe squeezed his eyes shut, holding onto Finn's arms for support, unwilling to face the truth that Leia was guiding him to. Rey put a comforting hand on his shoulder. Poe's hands shook, the ring dangling against his shirt. "Why, Leia? Why did he have to go?"

"All of us go," Leia said, helping Poe let go of Finn. "Some people go in different directions. It's not easy, but that's the route that's in the hyperdrive. Remember Ben for who he was then, and understand Kylo Ren for who he is now. That's the only way we can move on."

"We can't all give up on him, though." Poe's voice sounded unconvincing even to himself. 

"We're not going to give up on you, either," said Finn. 

"Too many losses," Leia said firmly. "There are so few of us left, Poe. Don't let this take you from us like the darkness took Ben."

Poe stared at the ramp, wildly considering just running away. His blaster was safely in his thigh holster, and he could feel with almost complete certainty the First Order's forces storming the base as they spoke. Kylo Ren wouldn't have brought as many as he'd brought to Jakku - he only needed to kill, not to subdue. And he wouldn't do that, not if Poe was the only one left. 

Maybe, just maybe, if Poe stayed behind, he could buy the Resistance just a little extra time . . .

"Poe, if none of us can convince you, think about BB-8," Finn said warningly. "What do you think he's gonna do if you randomly just disappear? You just gonna leave your droid behind like that?"

Poe gave Finn a sideways look. "That was low."

Finn crossed his arms. "It worked, didn't it?"

Poe sighed. He took one last, long look at the mountains, inhaling the salt air. He fingered the ring around his neck and took the chain off. He weighed it in his hand, closing his eyes and just thinking. He tried to follow Leia's advice, to remember Ben as he had been, to understand Kylo as he was. His breath skipped, and he raised the ring to his lips. The metal tasted of longing and pain and loss and grief. He wanted to cry, but for some reason, he couldn't. 

Before he could convince himself otherwise, Poe hurled the ring away, down the ramp and into the salt plains below. The silver sparkled in the dim light. If Kylo Ren tried to follow them, there would be no way he'd miss it. Poe stared at it for a moment longer, then backed away. Finn and Rey each held an arm, as if they thought he might try to break through at any moment. Leia pressed the button that raised the ramp, and she raised her wrist to her lips, whispering a command into the commlink there. 

The ramp raised slowly, and the  _ Millennium Falcon  _ began to move.  He didn't turn his back to the ramp, though, sitting against the wall and silently willing Ben to burst back through at any moment. They broke the atmosphere, and Poe felt the jolt into hyperspace, but still he imagined Ben tearing through that ramp, sweeping him up, and telling him this was all a bad dream. Poe's heart pounded as the space between him and Crait's surface grew smaller and smaller, until it was little more than a white crack at the edge of the ramp. 

Then, it disappeared altogether, and Poe's hopes along with it.

He closed his eyes, knowing Kylo Ren could hear him if he just dug deep enough into his memories to find their ancient link, if he just concentrated hard enough, if he just pretended, one final time, that Ben was still somewhere out there and still cared.

Poe knew all this, but he also knew what would be better for them both.

He offered no farewell. He offered no tears.

He let go.


End file.
